So last week was my birthday. I turned 30 years old. When I was younger I had the expectation that, at 30, I’d have a lot of things going for me. I’d have a book published, or screenplay at the very least, or I was going to be some fabulous artist, have a great job, a relationship or marriage, and at least a good bit of money. However, I’m 30, I’m jobless, practically homeless, no relationship, and I have about 50 dollars to my name. And I have to wonder how I got to this place. I mean I know life is never what we planned, but this is a very stark contrast to how I thought anything was going to end up.
A couple of years ago, I decided that I needed a change. I was in a job that I didn’t necessarily love, even though I loved the people I worked with. I was comfortable, but I didn’t feel fulfilled. So I went off and decided to live in Wales, a place which always felt a lot like what a home would feel like, and get a degree in something I really enjoyed and loved.
I’ve never been one for birthdays, and last year I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had met all of these new people in a short amount of time. I decided that I was going to just invite all these new people in my life without any expectation. My New Years resolution from last year was full of letting go of expectation. Let go of what I had already designed for myself, and let myself be comfortable with whatever had come my way. I was running out of money while living in Cardiff, and last January I had only a bit more money than I have at this minute. I was full of tumult and worry, but I decided to let it all go.
About two weeks before my birthday, I had a discussion with my friend Chris about what kind of man we both wanted. This was the one area of my life where I didn’t know what I wanted, and never had any expectation of any kind. I rarely get into relationships but when I do, I happened to be blessed with the partners I do have. But inevitably, I had issues of commitment. So I decided in the New Year that I was going to be open to people, and try to commit myself to something. And the only way to commit was to have no expectation. Enjoy the moment, let go of all the little things that were telling me that it should be better, or be resigned to rejection.
Rejection is a hard thing, especially for me on my birthday. I gave up on having parties or dinners or things such as this because I always seemed to focus on who didn’t come rather than who did, and who was there to support me. I decided this year would be different. I would just show up and if people came, they came. The day of my birthday came, and a dj friend of mine came all the way out from Bristol to help me celebrate. We started the evening with some jack daniels. We sat and had a laugh and the time passed so fast, I was late for my own party. When we walked over to Nos Da (my favorite local hostel/bar), I just assumed no one would come, as usual. When I walked in I saw lots of folks waiting for me to arrive, it was truly a surprise, truly beyond any expectation I could possibly have. And those are the beautiful moments in life, when you expect nothing and get something truly special. All of these lovely people from all parts of the world came by to celebrate. There were bottles of champagne, cake, and happy faces.
I was so happy to see all these people, people I knew, and strangers alike. It was really lovely. I even got asked out on a date by a friend of mine behind the bar, Joel, who is one of the coolest punk rock guys ever. I felt really good. We played a bunch of drinking games which went horribly awry, and then when the bar was closing I didn’t want the party to end. So I invited everyone back to my house for post bar drinks. We bought a bunch of wine, bubbly, and beers back to my flat. Little did I know when I arrived, that I had a new roommate move in that very day and I was DRUNK. I quickly invited my new Aussie roommate up for the festivities in my drunk loved up state. Thankfully he joined in and had a great time. Francisco, a Portuguese musician brought a cd player somehow and more people started arriving.
At some point, I noticed Rodrigo talking to a beautiful German girl. I figured that they were involved somehow or at least that he was interested in her. I had been talking on and off to Rodrigo all night, and I just assumed that he was just a nice guy who thought I was an interesting girl. I felt a little sad about seeing the two together, but I was determined not to let anything ruin such a great party filled with people who were having a great time with me. At some point I ended up in the kitchen, talking to Rodrigo. We were there for a while chatting away. I really wanted to kiss him. I think sober or not, I would have felt this way. However, since I had a couple of drinks I was able to a bit more, how would you say, direct! Actually not really. Whatever the case was, he said he had to go to the toilet. I thought for some reason that he was leaving the conversation because that’s normally the excuse guys give girls when they want to get the hell out of dodge.
So, when he said he was going to the toilet, my directness chimed right in. I told him if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore he could just say so, to which he replied that he really needed to go to the toilet. I said I didn’t believe him. And he offered me proof. He walked towards the bathroom and I followed him. I thought I’d just go for it. Just do the unexpected (at least that’s what I was thinking in my drunken state). Not the most ideal way to start anything off, but I swear it was a weirdly cute thing to do. As soon as we got into the bathroom, he grabbed me and then kissed me. And it was truly spectacular. Like waking up after an amazing dream, or jumping into the shower in the morning, or being told some sort of great information for the very first time. It was bold, just jumping head first into something. I was not expecting him to kiss me, and it was amazing thing that had happened.
After we kissed, I asked him why he had done that. I wasn’t expecting it in the least. I explained that I thought he was together with the German girl. And I asked him why he wanted to kiss me. He told me that he was only interested in me and that he wanted to kiss me because I was beautiful. He tried kissing me again and I was adamant. I needed a date first! I kept saying as we were kissing I needed to go out on a date. He said he wanted to take me out on a date. However, he needed to tell me something. He told me he had a girlfriend back at home. I immediately became angry. Why was he kissing me? Why was he doing this? He explained that he was in an open relationship (which readers you make think is bullshit, but is true) and both he and his girlfriend date other people from time to time. I didn’t get this. But, in the spirit of being open to something even if it wasn’t a relationship, I wanted to have fun and have no expectation. So, I told myself: He’s a good looking guy, and I’ll just have a bit of fun, I’ll take the plunge into uncharted waters. At the end of the day I could brag to all my girlfriends at home that I was having fun with an extremely good looking and amazingly sweet Brazilian. So I told him we’d just have a bit of fun and that was that. No expectation, no big time Hollywood romance, just a nice time. I already knew what to expect and got rid of all expectations of what was going to ultimately happen. This wasn’t a fairytale beginning to a romance by far. It was sweet and beautiful and new, but ultimately, like any good story, this first moment foreshadowed things to come.
This year was hard. Not only was I back in America for the first time in about two years, but I was not with Rodrigo or any of my friends from Wales. I felt a hole in my heart when I found out that my truly great friends Tiago and Camila who helped celebrate my birthday last year were in Brasil meeting up with Rodrigo over my birthday. I was looking over my photographs from my birthday I had posted online, and on facebook and I decided to take them down and to slowly take these memories down and tuck them away in a safe place. As I took everything down, I realized that I was slowly disappearing from his life. And that was really sad for me. And as a final act of disappearance, I deleted him from all forms of communication.
For this challenge, I want to do something unexpected which is also full of expectation. Now to any normal human being, (myself included) jumping into the sea during the middle of winter is going to be freezing. That’s the expectation. We all know this is what will go on. However, it’s something I’ve never done. And it’s something no one would ever expect me to do. SO…I’ve decided for this next challenge that I’m going to do a Polar Bear Plunge.
The Rules:
1. I need to gather at least 10 people, crazy & playful enough to want to plunge with me. We’ll be doing this at the Jersey Shore. Margate to be exact.
2. 10 people, including myself, must run into the water. There is no stopping no testing the water out. Just Run, plunge, submerge, and run back out.
3. The plunge will happen February 13th. More details to come. If you’d like to be involved just leave a comment below.
Thanks for Reading
look at drunkey mcgee and her ex-man on her birthday
