These past couple of weeks have been, well, interesting at best. It’s been a roller coaster ride of introspection, adaptation, and general chaos. In the short weeks that I have participating in these challenges, I’ve somehow been immersing myself into the, dare I say, rules, regulations, expectations, and hopes that the world of dating offers to others and myself.
Now, I never wanted to start dating really, and it was not something I had officially decided to do. However, since my first ‘official’ date, I’ve been dumped into this strange new world, curious of what all of it actually means. My first official date, as some of you readers are already aware, posed the question of dating etiquette. I’ve never been on a date, and truth be told, I never had been interested in it. I had always just found myself in a relationship and never thought twice about whether or not I had been skipping steps to the holy grail of love, whatever this actually means. What I found interesting, after discussing this date with other men and women, the antiquated methodology behind these American mating rituals still held some sort of validity, though perhaps eroded. It was agreed: men, if they ask a woman out, should indeed pay for the meal if it is denoted as a date. My date did not pay, nor did he even wait for me to show up at the restaurant before ordering his meal. Perhaps the modern day American man is just not up to snuff with these rules I thought, or perhaps I was naive and was fifty years behind the times, or perhaps even still I have only had a slew of non-American boyfriends recently which had left me confused on the practices of the dating ritual.
I’ve had boyfriends from other countries, I’ve lived or have traveled around the globe. I had to think back on all those other men and ponder the question, are dating and mating cultural? Do we as women and men interact differently based on our cultural origins. It is true that if you ask other women about men from different countries there are obvious stereotypes that are formed. The Latin Lothario and The passionate French Lover spring instantly to mind. A British girl I worked with had said American men are formal and upfront. They tell women what they want or what they are looking for, which she actually enjoyed. I had to compare Rodrigo in the mix. When we first got together, he was nothing but a gentleman, if not questionably to a fault a gentleman. He would never let me hold a bag, he would always make sure he was walking nearest to traffic, he would always hold my hand, and would always pay for meals. Everything was an exploration, and every morning he woke up telling me how beautiful I was. I felt pampered and confused. Is this what it’s supposed to be like? I was not used to any of it. When I asked him why, it was always the same. I am Latin, this is how we are.
So this week, a girlfriend of mine from Lambertville, joined a site called Okcupid! which is this very neat little site to hook up singles, in a non-gregarious ‘I want to meet my soulmate’ type matching site. She seemed to be having a blast. So I joined to just to see what the fuss was all about. During the week I had received some emails or winks from some gentlemen. Some were very laid back, however, a lot of them replied to me in this fashion “You’re HOT!!!” “Hey sexy” and other verbal assaults on my looks. I thought to myself, I know that I’m good looking, I don’t need another man to tell me that straight off in such a low brow uncultivated manner. Was I being snobby about it. Yes, but I deserve to be that way for myself. It’d be interesting for a guy to email me straight off and tell me “you’re beautiful, or intelligent” but hey that’s probably not going to happen or too much to expect on a dating site. However, the week progresses and things seem to take another turn into another unexpected twist. Now that the word has slowly spread that I’m single, wait, not only am I single but I JUST got out of a relationship I have a lot of gentlemen callers. I’ve spent years in singledom without so much of a whisper of interest, but all of a sudden, a single girl on the rebound is a huge catch? What’s the deal? Is it because I’m in what we call a rebound that makes it so appealing? I’m not needy, and I certainly am not looking for a man’s shoulder to cry on. Is this some sort of brash way of men thinking they’ve got a sure thing? I wont’ judge, but it seems rather suspicious.
The week came to a head when a very very good looking friend of Dana’s said to her that he was looking for a nice girl to be with, meaning, he was looking for a girlfriend. Well Dana, being the little cupid she is, decided I was the perfect girl for the job. She showed me his picture and I said, sure I’ll chat with him. Well after two minutes of chatting with him he gets dirty. Are you kinky? Are you a tiger in the sack? Do you like this and that etc. I was actually offended. Where does this guy get off? A point blank range I shot the cannon and told him simply. I’m a queen, I want to be treated like one, I was with a man who did that for about a year and if you can’t treat me like a lady then it’s time to be looking elsewhere. And HE got offended and said that he treats all women like princesses. This is just one of many conversations over the past week that ended in such a manner. I squished my nose and thought….is this a cultural thing? Are American men blunt creatures? I have to respect it in some fashion but it’s so aggressive and selfish. It’s like a job and you are interviewing for the position.
When I told one of my Brazilian friends what had transpired he was shocked. I asked him…does this happen in Brazil? Have you ever heard of such a thing, to which he responded simply with a no. So I decided to do some digging around and see what I could find on social dating norms in other countries. And what I found shocked me.
I happened to find an interesting web series by Liz Tuccilio who decided to go around the world and investigate mating practices. She went to France, Italy, Brazil, India, and Denmark amongst others in quest of figuring out these cultural differences. In France, (and I can attest to this, being as I have more than a few wonderfully fierce French women friends) women know what they are worth. The men need to impress them, and if men don’t call there’s another man in the wings. The one thing the women did agree on is men adore women, in fact love women, maybe to a fault. There is no such thing as dating apparently, and the art of seduction is simply that, art, poetics, and style. Now, I have to admit these are probably generous in their generalization, but the point is, you probably will not find a french man telling you point blank in a first meeting that it is a dealbreaker whether or not you spit or swallow. This I know for sure. They may love your assets, they may talk about your assets relentlessly, but they will not talk about them rudely.
I then journeyed with Liz, via the internet, to Brazil; Rio to be exact. Most of the episodes were things I already knew. Cariocas love to obsess about their image. Plastic surgery is big, the beach is huge, and men’s egos and machoness are massive. There is a persistent term ‘Malandro,’ which simply is a man who is the epitome of the charmer, the lover, but the con man. He may love you, but he loves money and his lifestyle more. It is similar to the American player, although, the objective is different. The player wants to get into your pants, while the Malandro may just want to get into your pockets. The player is considered an asshole of sorts, while the Malandro is and always will be charming. However, like all things I did know came something I didn’t quite understand fully. When all the women were asked “What is the worst trait about Brazilian men?” the answer rang clear, with no hesitation, and without fail from every single woman “They don’t commit” I sat up straight, I turned to my girlfriend and said “I’m a walking cliche!” She asked me how that made me feel.
I thought about it for a brief second and then it came out clear.
“I’m happy that he’s a cliche because it means he’s just like every other man, however, I’m deeply saddened that I’m a cliche because it makes me just like every other woman.”
I wasn’t special. It wasn’t as if he was deciding on some life changing event in his life: to love or not to love is this the question. This, eternally, was something that was bigger than him. It was cultural. Non-committal was his cultural flaw. So if this is the truth, are we all doomed to be a by product of our cultural view on love? Will I ever get past the social pressures of getting married (or even past the first date/sexual compatibility interview)? Will Rodrigo ever be willing to lose himself in love to another human being, giving himself readily and with absolution?
I don’t have the answers to this. But I do know this. Whatever your beliefs or your convictions there is always something out there for everyone.
“Life is very precious. Each and every moment of life is very precious. We should not spoil our life. We should enjoy our life. This is also a kind of enjoyment to be with somebody, not just sexually, but spiritually and mentally.” Arya Samaj Temple
From watching these little episodes, I felt compassion for these women. I felt compassion for myself. I’ve come a long way with the help of women and men from around the world that I have met, they have shaped me and helped me understand what I want out of life. I am a beautiful person. It took me every day for a year of waking up to Rodrigo telling me that to know it, and women all over should know that they are. I’m going to send 100 letters out to women across the world, this week, utter strangers and tell them that they are, we all are, beautiful even if love has not found us or if it has, or it hasn’t quite found us yet.
Thanks for reading.
